A Better Place

Am in a better place mentally for a couple reasons.

My lesson last night went very well – my teacher sees progress in my bowing and left hand. Those first two phrases of the Bruch concerto I’ve been working on for two weeks, while not as beautiful as hers, doesn’t sound too bad.

Am now working on the next two phrases. Each note  – what would be the proper term – is “caressed” into being beautiful. I can’t think of any other way to describe the control a string player has over a note, to develop it. So that’s my goal from this lesson.

So I feel good that things are going in the right direction there.

Also, I had to give up my dream of playing in a kick-ass orchestra. Placing myself in a bloodthirsty competitive arena at this stage of life is just not feasible. However, I do expect serendipity now and then, which will thrill me to say YES to. (i.e. “So-and-so plays in X orchestra but is injured, can you sub?” or “There’s a recording session, they’re looking for violinists”  kind of thing). Knowing people who know people who feel confident recommending me is what I’m developing.

So the pressure is off me for obsessively and possessively grasping a particular future. Wow, what a relief. Am free to enjoy what is. (this applies to other things besides violin, by the way). Sometimes you have to give up what isn’t to have a more and better version of what is.

Not to say I don’t have plans. One in particular has been evolving in my brain this past week, where I want to take my violin to. Rather, where Violin Bitch wants to take it.

From the investigating I’ve done so far, testing always for that thrum of validation inside me, I should have the knowledge and facts I need by August of next year. That’s all I will say publicly for now as I need to discuss further in private.

So often, I feel like Moses when God told him he is now leader of the Jews in their search for the promised land. He was like, Are you kidding me, God? You’re kidding, right? I have NO skills nor qualifications for this job. Or how about little David the shepherd? Chosen to be king of the Jews? Kill a Leviathan? Yeah, right. Or how about a little boy from a humble little peasant couple, wallowing around in cow shit and hay, there to save humanity. Really?? I’m sure there are stories like this in every culture on Earth; these are what come to my Christianly-raised mind.

Point is, I sometimes think with my little pea – sized human brain, when there is a vastly bigger way of thinking.

So that’s where I am today, in a better place.