Smoldering Ruins

I have never been so wiped out from a concert. Was going to pass on writing tonight, but decided I need to get this down before I forget my thoughts.

Today was the important one, where I am section leader. Because I try so hard to do my best at whatever, in this situation I feel the need to really shine, but maybe try too hard.

Really, it feels like I just took a Calculus final, wiped out and frustrated because I suck. Well, if this is my attitude, that’s another good reason why I shouldn’t even think about playing in a kick ass orchestra. This one is pretty small potatoes by comparison, too.

What am I worried about? Our concertmaster played the solo of Mendelssohn’s violin concerto, and in the first-movement cadenza alone, made several mistakes. I know, because the orchestra doesn’t play for a while while he does this thing, so I could listen. I’m sure he made many in all three movements. I’m not bashing him, as he is a fantastic violinist, but trying to keep a proper perspective on things. It’s a live performance after all.

I know what the problem is. I want to be admired, but feel undeserving of such. My late friend and former teacher told me all the time things along the line of – the quality of a performance isn’t determined by one note, or many notes. And he was a fantastic violinist too who made plenty of mistakes – I well know, as we sat together for years. It’s just that I made more.

So something I’ve learned from this orchestra is that chasing perfection is pointless. It exists only in my own unrealistic ideals.

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