Fuck It All

Am tired of trying to do the right thing all the time. Red sneakers, red lipstick, black tight jeans. Hair. Perfume. Nail polish. Fuck it all. Hit the mall.

Pyramids

Until this summer when I have my week of immersion in electric violin and rock I need to find other places to learn from.

On YouTube I found some great videos by Mei Ohara. She breaks things down to the most basic elements, easy to understand and try.

Since I was home for 44 hours straight, I studied these and tried them on my electric. There is so freakin much to learn. But so freakin fun. More than the Bruch concerto!

I’m like, are you kidding me? And laugh out loud.

Maybe I have too many goals, but each one leads to the others. Kinda like building a pyramid – not that I know what that’s like!  When you set the 4 corner stones they are so far apart, but as you build up row after row, they get closer together until they reach the point at the top.

That pretty much describes my 2015.

Another thing – one of my adult students plays jazz and rock on guitar and wants me to play with her and her group when she does these real informal gigs in bars. How cool is that?

I came across a quote of Richard Branson’s recently, something about when an opportunity comes up, say yes even if you don’t know how the hell to do it. You can always learn. This is that in action.

Pyramids.

Darkness

Have been fooling around with my electric violin, getting an idea of what it can do, effects, how it feels and how I can make it sound doing different things.

Made a video for an objective point of view. It totally sucked, which is ok. Is a starting point. Is for personal feedback, see what I can do different and better for the next experiment. Was fun as hell to make, but also serves a serious purpose.

Besides that, a lot of things are not “right” right now. in spite of best efforts, things don’t work as planned, break down, money runs out, decay happens, support structures weaken, appliances, glasses, and dishes break.

I need more than my red shoes for this round. Am in a very dark place, a hug and a hey it’s gonna be ok would be awesome.

Serendipity – Twice

Two entries in one day – what the fook??

I really believe that when you commit to living your life without holding back, with the idea that you are a gift to the world – which is not arrogance, but a kind of humility – some really awesome things start happening with no effort of your own other than just paying attention.

It happens so much to me that I don’t bother writing about it here, as it’s usually a minor thing.

Today, though – two cool things:

One of my adult students plays jazz guitar and does vocals, and tonight said she wants me to join her sometime with her group to play violin. Deer in headlights look. She is fully aware I know classical only at this point. She wants to help me find my jazz and fiddling self, just an informal setting, a bunch of good people having fun, she said.

The other thing, while in Facebook, one of those annoying “Suggested Posts” came up. But this one almost made me fall out of my chair: Natalie McMaster will be performing not far from where I live. This is huge. She is a kind of role model for me as far as alternative styles of playing goes. 

Everything is conspiring against me ever going back to my pre-Lucy (expected) self.

I feel like someone regaining memory following amnesia. Ya know, that recognition of familiar but forgotten things.

 

Lately

The past 5 days have just slid by since my last post.

I get my Lucy on every chance I get. Easing into her, feels almost natural to be my real self. Not every situation is right so I dress conservatively when I have to, like for my job.

I’ve mostly overcome my shyness to the point where it’s not debilitating like it used to be in my way younger times, but is still a retreat of choice if I allow it.

So it feels good to not be noticed so much as my real self. If everyone made a big deal of it, even positively, would be embarrassing. I love being the center of attention when I want to, like on stage, things like that feel very comfortable to me, like I belong there. But unexpected attention isn’t always something good for me.

Anyway, I’ve been finding little things to wear that make me feel good. A leather dog collar bracelet, wicked. Equally wicked, these really long funky silver earrings. All cheap buys but make me smile like fuck.

I think the time has come for me to get very familiar with my electric violin, as within a few months we have to send in audition videos for rock orchestra camp, and I want to earn the highest level spot that I can.

All for now, later!

Red Sneakers Day

Have never been the focus before of such rage as during the past three or so weeks.

Heard of this happening to others – being ditched by friends for changing and being happy about it.

Some people freak out. They fight you, dump you, resent you, hurl shit at you.

It is hard to deal with in a way – sad because I try my best to help others understand the process so they can learn and do the same.

It seems that those who need to learn the process most who also refuse to listen.

I completely understand the rage is directed towards themselves, and when a friend changes for the better it is a reminder of one’s own inadequacies and perceived failures.

I get it, totally. But I cannot stop my process/journey to preserve relationships with anyone who is only happy with my unenlightened self.

So I shall just put on my red sneakers and get on with the day.

Transitions

are hard. In orchestral music, they are probably the most-rehearsed sections of symphonies – transitions of keys, time signatures, rhythms.

In life, the most turbulent times.

In either case, you’re going along – maybe for years – in the groove, repeating familiar themes, comfortable and secure. Your brain on autopilot.

Then whatever happens – something that destroys the status quo. Could be anything.

The Violin Bitch’s journey is all about transitions. Difficult, yeah. Frightening, yep. But the only path to real life.

My only intention – to be absolutely authentic – not necessarily the same thing as being honest. I can lie through my teeth to the world in general for protection. Real means not pretending to be someone/something I am not.

Back to transitions. A conscious choice between keeping friends or keeping myself. There are some who have decided they really don’t like me, or believe my real self is fake – when the reverse is true – or believe I have some kind of subversive agenda.

And the fact that I’m perfectly fine with all this – giddy in fact – appears to some like rhetoric or false bravado.

Lucy bitch can’t be trusted.

She’s delusional.

She’s doing it for attention.

She’s gonna regret it and feel like a fool when it all goes wrong.

She’s let people down – of course she has – she’s refusing anymore to let herself down in order to please others.

She’s lost the plot.

She’s acting out of character.

I’ve been told all this in the past month alone.

Anger, resentment, jealousy thrown at me.  And that’s ok.

Everything that matters to me….. I already have.

Modifications

Still tweaking my biz website. Chose a different template tonight to reflect the appearance and vibe. Trying to make it look like the sample I chose it for, but every template is just different enough to require some trial and error. Brain is fried.

I must be fed up when practicing is starting to look good. Is 8 pm, practice, then chill.

There are times when I can’t help but feel discouraged by certain things.

Did It!

Spent all evening until almost 11 tonight on visions for my biz. Created a name and website, just the basics for tonight.

My violin practice plan is working out so far – 10 minutes a day on the 3 important areas – total of 1/2 hour. Is my way to psych myself out, since I always play for a longer period of time. I only require 10 minutes each. I am worse than my own students. It’s just that the shit I have to practice is so friggen hard that it makes me discouraged every time. I really have a hard time facing it.

I have not touched anything sugary in 6 days. Six days! I can do this.

Still adding to my 2015 goal planner. Just details to existing goals.

All for now.

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