Reassessing. Feasability. Reality. Goals? Smart? Fairy tales?
Do I continue? How far?
The things I want are unchanged, but the old adage applies –
“To travel fast, go alone. To travel far, go together.”
I wanted to travel far, but maybe I have to settle for fast now.
Have been able to overcome a ton of shit over the past year or two. One thing I can’t get past is my reluctance to practice, which has turned into hatred. The relationship between me and my violin was: – we always had this understanding: I tell you what to do and you do it.
Since resuming my own lessons over the past few months, my violin has a mind of his own, a side of him I never saw before.
He has boundaries. He says not tonight to me. What the hell is this shit?
I’m pissed that I can’t control him. I think he laughs at me.
I push him up against the wall. He fights back.
I have needs. He refuses to fulfill them.
He’s either a high-maintenance lover or a petulant child.
Transformation not just being open about my violin bitchiness and whatever else comes along with my real edgy and dark self. Am having a hard time about how much to reveal and conceal spiritual – type matters.
Won’t go into details, but there is a strong woo-woo variable in the equation that I keep safely hidden, until recently. Have been taking a chance in being a little more open with it, even if I’m not positive how it will be received.
But since I stopped apologizing for my quirks, I can let other things venture out of the dark, knowing I could potentially be walking around with a big ole bullseye on my butt.
it’s an experiment learning who/when/where/why/how much to reveal. I want to be less covert about myself, knowing there is a limit. Am still working out that part.
Every day, do something…….even if one step towards your dream. Things are moving in the right direction, and I never stop thinking of what’s the next best thing to do.
I’m a doer…..patience is not my thing…………I’ve been having to sit tight and wait for the right time for the right action. Even the best action can be a disaster if done too soon….or too late.
It’s these nuances that kick my ass.
I created a Facebook profile for my stage name…..yeah I think big, why the fuck not?? Time (there it is again) isn’t right yet to introduce this part of me, so am taking time to build up my profile and make it right. This is the website that will be linked to that FB name, since she…..I……am the Violin Bitch. I will have to tweak this site before sending it out also.
Perfectionism kicks my ass sometimes, but it is not procrastination. I have very few regrets with any project I’ve ever done because of my crazy planning.
Ya gotta to be picky who you associate with. Never used to bother me, but a couple days ago I was stuck in a place with some people I know, not by choice, but work-related (not music). They were all trying to out-do each other in proving their superior intelligence. A sad comedy. I just sat back and listened, sickly fascinated.
Came to the conclusion that truly intelligent people don’t need to prove a damn thing.
The point of this post? There will be situations where the place or people will soak into you, leave you feeling disgusted. Who and where are different for everyone. We are not charities, obligated to grace every situation with our presence. A side effect of evolution is that the situations we should allow ourselves to be in become narrower and more focused.
So I’m sharing this VB brain dump because evolution is so underrated.
…..accurately reflects my own transformation. It kinda blows my mind learning there is an ancient archetype of the Wild Woman – with a wolf companion as symbol.
Found this blog article. The writer expresses her real inner self through pole dancing, but it can be anything for any woman. Mine just happens to use music as a vehicle:
Smoke and Mirrors Fitness
Felt there were still improvements that needed to be made to best send out my message. Made a lot of changes to VB, more aligned with where I am and where I’m going. With a clearer picture of who I am on the journey, I can more authentically express the journey and the purpose of VB.
Made a new gallery of Warriors that inspire me. New pages and updated content.
And a new tagline – Playing With Fire. Very appropriate.
Got the audition music for rock school!!! There are three levels – Beginner/Intermediate, Advanced, and Pro. The advanced is not terribly difficult – I need to work on it to play it perfectly, but nothing to sweat over.
Emailed asking for info for the pro group stuff. – reply – the music is still being written and they will send it out as soon as it’s done. Meanwhile, I’ll start working on what I have, as I have no idea what the pro group music is like. This is a completely new group, so no videos yet. How cool if I make it in, and am in the world premier concert!!!
Deadline to submit audition videos is June 1st, so tons of time to get it right.
There’s also a Blues scale to learn, but that’s real easy.
The music is all classical-based which is cool. I like the assumption that most camp musicians come from a classical background, and they teach us how to transition from that to rock. They understand where we’re coming from, like speaking the same language but learning a radical dialect.
Besides the two pieces, they want to see a 2- or 3 – minute long thing that we play very well to show our best playing. Can be classical, rock, improv, jazz – wherever it is we come from. Way cool!
Cannot wait to get the pro group music.
A new month – time to review and plan.
January celebrations of goals achieved:
1) Found my business name
2) Created my website
3) Created Facebook page
4) Still growing my hair (is growing itself of course, but it is a goal nevertheless)
5) My VB fashion is evolving all the time. This is the part of VB I love the most – more than the violin stuff and biz, as it’s Lucy’s coming out from the shadows where I have kept her hidden. She is naughty, bold, and unapologetic. I so love her.
6) Posting more or less regularly here.
7) Went to a Broadway musical. No, didn’t play, just to see. But soaked it all in. Took some pictures of the pit. Want to be down there, even if to play just once.
8) Making physical progress so Lucy looks great in her leather stuff.
1) Get at least five more students
2) Keep learning how to make my electric violin sound how it’s supposed to
3) Tweak my business website as well as Facebook page
4) Find other ways to get the word out about my business
5) Torture myself at the gym every day – or at least most days.
6) Continually remind myself who I really am.
Lots of other goals besides VB ones, but these will do for now.