She Was Never Here

I’m so damned impatient for everything to come together.

My plans for the next few months are:

to schedule electric violin lessons with Bridgid Bibbens – she said YES !

    ~ enroll in motorcycle riding class

    ~ do my photo shoot that I talked about before.

Everything takes time. I get it. But the time isn’t right yet for any of this.

Because to shed the last vestige of my former life, I need to lose *a little more* weight. And it just takes fucking time. I’ve made a lot of progress!  Feel fantastic. Energized and sexy. And there’s still a way to go.

The second I pull up at the end of this journey, I’ll look hot in tight leather, rocking my electric violin, riding a bike, with a portfolio of badass photos.

Anyone who knows me, except one particular person who knows the real me, will be totally shocked at the transformation. Where did the good girl go?

The truth is, she was never here.

I’m not superficial. I’m not promoting the lie that skinny chicks are better than anyone else. The thing is, this is MY journey. It’s my necessity to live my life. I need to have a certain body type to be who I am, to dress my reality.

There’s so much at stake, so many things I cannot lose, that I’m obsessed with doing what I have to get there.

The ultimate prize is to move freely about without anonymity. My level of righteous anger right now is like a 10. 


3 thoughts on “She Was Never Here

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  1. As I said, this obsession with measurements and statistics is a male thing. And to be honest, I am not into it either. I like tennis, badminton and sometimes even golf, but when the other person (a man that is) insists on counting the score, I can’t enjoy the game any longer, and I never play that guy again. Those guys don’t get it that it is not the person on the other side of the net that you play against, it is yourself. My best enjoyment comes from sports where I am on my own, and don’t have to show off or compete anyone else.

    Yes please, fill in the context when you feel like it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for your comment. Regarding specifics on my upbringing, where I came from as a starting point….that sounds like a good blog post, so I’ll write more on that in an upcoming post.

    As for stats on my body, I don’t write about that as I don’t see it as important in the overall picture. My focus is to inspire others who are living in muck to pull themselves up using their inner wisdom. And that is a process to unleash.


  3. I am so inspired by your journey. To me everything you write makes perfect sense, there is absolutely no conflict in how you see things and want to build them. I am with you when you say that the process has nothing to do with the external world, but it is all about you and your own self and sake. Your writing conveys an exciting insight into your mind, and I feel privileged to be able to see that.

    One thing, though. I know perfectly that this is your personal journey and that first and foremost, you write for yourself. For a reader like me, I think what puzzles most is not knowing your full context. Where did you start from? What is your background, and what triggered the process? As a man, I might also be tempted to request stats, like how much weight did you have to start with, what is your target and where are you now, how much you would need to lose? What exactly is the body type you are aiming at? How will you achieve that, what kind of diet / gym? What else are you doing apart from losing weight to shape your body?

    You have alluded to this transformation being a reaction to your upbringing and how as a classical musician certain expectations where imposed upon you, not allowing you to be who you really are. At the same time, and this I find most intriguing about you, your transformation is not about seeking social approval in an immature adolescent way, but in your own terms. Not giving a fuck about what others think.

    And yes, everything takes time, like mastering the violin. And that perseverance is perhaps the sexiest thing about you, together with the tight leather jeans you will soon be wearing… 🙂


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