The Kraken

On a recent visit to Starbucks, I was wearing my super-sexy boots with black leggings. I don’t wear them that often, since they make me feel a little like Xena the Warrior Princess; too much energy and power for every day, and I’m not always in the mood for it. These are, you know, the over-the-knee type that, if I am to be honest, make me stare at women wearing them ~ and I’m totally straight sexually!

I’m waiting in line, and it starts again. Those hissing voices from the past rising up from the depths like the kraken that devour pirate ships.

Look at that fat piece of shit thinkin’ she’s hot (snorts of laughter).

🎶 Penny for penny, pound for pound, you get more fat from Len than any other kid around 🎶

You’re just a slut.

You can’t do that.

And the entire room erupted in laughter.

Of course, all of this happened in my head ~ replaying things that actually did happen in the past.

So why do we relive, replay, and recycle this trash in our heads? I’m not “fat” anymore. I’m a confident chick who has grown; anyone talks like that to me now would get kicked in the ass.

Have no idea. Probably a kind of tool for survival.

It stops us from being a better person, from growing out of old limits, living by standards set for us that no longer apply. They’re old and not real – mythical like the Kraken.

Acknowledge them, thank them, and send them on their way.

11 thoughts on “The Kraken

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  1. True, intuition is a safeguard against danger, developed through evolution. Very wise to follow it, and to accept emotions at their face value. The distinction between micro (i.e. one’s closest) and macro (the society) is important too. Or I suppose it depends on the magnitude of that emotion. One could argue that terrorists when causing havoc, are also following their emotions?

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  2. Intuition and emotions are different for men and women. I’ve learned to trust my intuition completely ~ it’s a 6th sense. A cliche, but accurate. It’s ALWAYS right! As for emotions, the negative ones are like street signs telling you something’s not right that needs to be addressed. Mine tend to be overwhelming at times, making it hard to think clearly.

    We’re all entitled to our feelings. Acting on them, however, is a different matter. In the world, there’s too much “you hurt my feelings” whining. In a close relationship, that’s a valid issue that should be addressed for the health of the relationship, but for the general public, is irrelevant (in my opinion).

    My emotions are bad decision-makers!

    As for trusting your intuition, I think it’s an ongoing discernment.

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  3. That flattery thing… ah, I was reading too fast, got the punctuation wrong 🙂 Let’s both agree that we are both highly intelligent, very sensitive and sensual, and of course we also both are suckers for flattery, who wouldn’t ?

    One thing, though: I am highly cautious of accepting my feelings as facts. There seems to be a tendency of saying that we are all entitled to our feelings, that we should listen to them, and live by them. Is that really so? Feelings are subjective, and although I give intuition a lot of value for guiding action, I think it can easily get misguided and lead us to foolish things. Many people have “followed their inner voice” which led them to really stupid, and objectively looking to so obviously stupid, situation. The feelings also have a tendency of reinforcing themselves. Often it would be good to step back and say, what the hell… what is the trade off? Can I trust my intuition?

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  4. The “sounds like cheap flattery” I was referring to was my compliment to you, not something you said 😊. I’ll bet I have played music from your country, but so much good music and passion comes from Europe, I’d be wildly guessing.

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  5. Makes a lot of sense, Lucy.

    As to my nationality, no I’m not American, but from a smaller European nation. You may be able to deduce it from my passions. You probably have played music from my country.

    My scribbling here is not always eloquent and spelling is in the mercy of the spellchecker of my computer or phone, which is in US English now(haven’t arsed to change that). Any flattery is purely coincidental and not intended to flatter you.. 😀

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  6. I assumed you were British being where you live, although you don’t use the spelling. Because of the way you express yourself, the use of certain phrases ~ which shows obvious intelligence and deep thought ~ sounds like cheap flattery, but is sincere ~ since you asked me to guess, then I’d guess you’re American.

    Yes, I do have someone in real – ish life who knows about this stuff.

    “This is not some juvenile “I abandon everything and piss off” thing. No, it’s far more significant, but I just can’t nail it down quite yet.” Maybe it’s the next step in a personal evolution? That’s how I see it for myself, anyway. Yeah, we function in society, have people who love us and understand us, mostly know us, but there’s that core “thing” that’s been hidden inside that has decided it’s time to see daylight. Does that make sense?

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  7. Yes, I have inferred that you must be shy and introvert. There is nothing wrong with it, I actually find it super sexy! The way you reflect your feelings in this blig is elegant and so charged, giving me a tingling sense of having met a soulmate. You manage to convey so much without revealing next to nothing about yourself.

    Anyone who thinks they know me would for absolute certainty say that I’m an extrovert. Yet I have always felt that it is not real me, or the full me. It is really selfish for me to say this, but even though I’m surrounded by great loving people, whom I also love so dearly, there is something in me that makes me crave for solitude, discard all my duties and responsibilities. Just to enjoy being on my own, dressed up the way I want, enjoy that feeling of fulfillment in being just the way I wish. Not give a shit.

    This is not some juvenile “I abandon everything and piss off” thing. No, it’s far more significant, but I just can’t nail it down quite yet.

    Reading your blog and having this dialogue feels very important for me right now. This is perhaps the only place I can do this, and I guess so it is for you as well. Or do you have any real life companions or soulmates in this?

    I’ll have to come back to that Northern thing about you. I’m not British, though, did I ever mention than? Can you guess where I’m from?

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  8. There probably would be recognition of kindred spirits, the stuff of movies 😉 I enjoy your thoughts. Hardly anyone talks openly about these things, which is the reason I started this blog. Even if I was talking to myself, the expression is necessary for me. We (people) are so much more than the face we present to the world. But when we take a chance and do, it’s the most amazing thing, isn’t it? Like you describe walking into the pub wearing clothes that make you feel sexy. It’s not to show off, but to experience the liberation of airing out your soul. I’m a shy introvert, although I’ve mostly conquered that debilitating trait (being shy). I have to fight myself to be authentic. So I’m quite happy when no one notices, at this point in the process, at least. We fret about ourselves, how we will be received, yet no one really gives a rat’s ass. I mean that in a good way. All that energy I’ve put into being “acceptable.” I suppose we all do that as a survival mechanism.

    By the way, I was just having a conversation the other day about how much like my father I am, personality, beliefs, general attitude about life. He was a Yorkshireman through and through, and I’ve been told by some rellies (who have no idea of my Violin Bitch side) over there that I have a “northern” attitude. So you can imagine the mindset I’m coming from. Not good or bad – just what it is.

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  9. Again Lucy, what an incredible and thought provoking post! Ah, I can vividly see you in the Starbucks, in your outfit that speaks loud and clear, oozing your phoenix self (there is a pub by that name near me, my local favourite actually. I like it for no other reason but the name. I also tremendously enjoy those moments when I can walk into a coffee shop or a pub in my ultra sexy and tight black leather jeans, boots and a biker jacket. Few people will pay any attention, after all this is a big city with all sorts of creatures crawling on its streets. But those who do, men or women alike, create amazing sensations in me as I do in them. Flashing moments, so charged and pleasant, yet so perishable.)

    But that Kraken thing… The ghosts of our minds never stop haunting us, they are there to drag us down brutally. In WH Auden’s words:”In shadows of the nightmare, where justice naked is – time watches from the shadow, and coughs when you would kiss”

    I have never been fat, but I know painfully enough what it feels like, especially for a woman to feel fat and see herself in the mirror every day and not be happy what she sees there. For a woman, it is a self-thing, perception, nothing to do with men. The same way as you don’t wear those boots to please a man, but to please yourself.

    What would something similar be for a man? I guess we all fret the size of our dick and would like to have a penis of a size of a horse’s, hugely erect and magically capable of getting any female go crazy in lust. Or huge muscles, being able to walk in the room and just command it through sheer sense of masculinity.

    Note, this is not at all anything of the “locker room talk” sort of nonsense. I’ve never ever heard men talk women in any locker room I’ve ever been to. The true and powerful masculinity cherishes the female, values her, makes her feel wanted and desired, a sexual being of equal measure.

    So imagine me walking into that Starbucks while you are standing there on the line. What kind of vibrations would we send across the room to each other?

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