Story is Irrelevant to the Photo, But Let’s See What I Can Do

Shit. Am taking a break from “career enhancement,” aka learning about digital marketing. It all began in late 2015 when I bought my domain name and set about building the website. For the record, I have had no paid help in any of this. But in the web of the digital world, it all starts with discovering one expert who shares basic how-to for free. One day in Fall of 2016, I discovered a guy who ran a multi-day virtual summit. I think it went on for 2 weeks. He interviewed at least 20 top-of-the-game digital marketing experts. The interview videos were available for free for 24 hours after they were live.

Have you ever stumbled over something that commanded your attention, your brain explodes in multiple colors? That was my reaction to this virtual summit. This is to be the next phase of my life.

I immersed myself in the videos while they were still free; on average about 90 minutes each. I took notes and recorded names. My list of mentors exploded.

I subscribed to these experts via email to get expert advice delivered to my inbox. From the original sources, I’ve expanded my network of sources. Digital marketing gurus generously share knowledge for free as a marketing strategy, so I took advantage of it.

Meanwhile, my website got built (for me, it’s been like me building a car with zero knowledge of mechanics, but there’s Google and YouTube!).

I am determined.

This business it a perfect fit for me, as if everything I’ve done up till now has lead me to it. It’s a huge tuna that will not be the fish that got away for something stupid like using the wrong size harpoon.

By the end of spring 2017, I had accumulated perhaps too much info. I have a pretty good idea of how it all works, but what about me? Where the fuck should I start?

That’s been my struggle during the summer now. Having been in sales for several years, I know different things work for different people. Your personality sets the vibe of your business. My copious notes are in this huge pink binder from probably 50 different successful digital marketers. I’ve paid for none of it, either!

So how to make it all relevant to my goals? Who knows –  it’s all useful, but even I know you have to stop studying and start doing. So I happened to find a mentorship and support network – at an affordable price (such networks are usually extremely expensive – typically thousands of $s). So I joined it a couple of weeks ago. The car’s in drive and I’m hittin’ the gas.

Now back to the photo. To make a suit of armor, one starts with the burning desire, mentors or tutorials, advice on tools and setting up your own workshop – then finally actual metal. You’re gonna suck at first. You’re gonna hammer your thumb, the holes won’t line up, it’ll look stupid once you finish it, if you ever do. But you get better, keep at it until it looks the way you want it.

Third Try

This is my third attempt at writing tonight’s blog post.

Life feels complicated sometimes. I’ve been frustrated over not enough time and too many things. Obviously, I need to rethink priorities. I feel like captain of a cargo ship when all I really want is a rowboat. What can I change? Materially as well as how I use my time?

I’ve been crashing a lot the past few days, as in feeling tired and overwhelmed. And frustrated. Looking for answers: maybe if I do this instead of that, or focus on something else. What’s wrong?

Maybe the answer isn’t in finding an answer so much as to pare things down. Simplify is actually my “word” for 2017.

When I was  kid, I loved reading stories of the pioneer families on the Oregon Trail. At some point many had to dump possessions off their covered wagons when the horses or oxen became tired, or their wheels fell off. Piles of belongings along the trail…

my business

learning to play rock violin

fauxbonichi (art journaling)

get past the first draft of the novel I wrote 

record my own song in Garage Band 

write erotica

oh, then there’s the erotic novella I started

tidy the house

give away clothes that aren’t in line with who I am

That’s a lot of stuff to give up, isn’t it? The photo for this post ~ there’s a saying that goes something like, “If your hands are too full you can’t hold someone else’s.”

The Kraken

On a recent visit to Starbucks, I was wearing my super-sexy boots with black leggings. I don’t wear them that often, since they make me feel a little like Xena the Warrior Princess; too much energy and power for every day, and I’m not always in the mood for it. These are, you know, the over-the-knee type that, if I am to be honest, make me stare at women wearing them ~ and I’m totally straight sexually!

I’m waiting in line, and it starts again. Those hissing voices from the past rising up from the depths like the kraken that devour pirate ships.

Look at that fat piece of shit thinkin’ she’s hot (snorts of laughter).

🎶 Penny for penny, pound for pound, you get more fat from Len than any other kid around 🎶

You’re just a slut.

You can’t do that.

And the entire room erupted in laughter.

Of course, all of this happened in my head ~ replaying things that actually did happen in the past.

So why do we relive, replay, and recycle this trash in our heads? I’m not “fat” anymore. I’m a confident chick who has grown; anyone talks like that to me now would get kicked in the ass.

Have no idea. Probably a kind of tool for survival.

It stops us from being a better person, from growing out of old limits, living by standards set for us that no longer apply. They’re old and not real – mythical like the Kraken.

Acknowledge them, thank them, and send them on their way.

Fight Like a Bitch

I was scrolling through photos today of the women’s protests around the world. Last I heard, there were 627 of them. People all over the world catching the fire of indignation. I couldn’t help but cry.

I pray that today’s protests exonerate us and shows the world that the majority of us are not idiots ~ despite that the Orange Ugly American won ~ and I can’t blame them. The thousands upon thousands (millions, probably) who turned up at women’s marches here and around the world ~  it’s so freaking awesome.

I will protest and fight until wrong is righted. I will support women and allies, and the communities threatened by the new administration ~ LGBT, immigrants, women’s rights, human rights, the environment, people of color, Native Americans, people of all faiths.

It’s simple, really ~ our “president” completely lacks basic human decency. I did not watch the inauguration, and I still have not, and won’t.

I am filled with joy and gratitide to see the outpouring of righteous anger and compassion that sends a worldwide FUCK YOU to the new administration.

I’m gratified to see that the rest of the world sees through his shit. Sometimes things get so bad that you feel alone.

Anger is like burning fuel. It will either destroy its container, or can be harnessed as rocket fuel. After what happened today, I’m so motivated and optimistic that this isn’t the end, but the beginning of a coming together for a common, positive purpose.

It’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna suck, it’s gonna hurt. But we can do this.

Rare & Beautiful

Just a few minutes till I have to leave for a rehearsal. As usual, the image has nothing to do with my post, but maybe I can find a way to make it relevant  😀.

I just watched Pres. Obama’s tribute to Joe Biden. I was a mess. Eisenhower was President when I was born, so I’ve been through a few. I’ve said this plenty of times ~ I’ve never felt actual love for any president as I do for Obama. I’ve always known he’d be a fantastic president, but after these eight years, my heart just swells with pride and love for this honorable, smart, gentleman. And his brotherly relationship with Joe. Well, what can I possibly add?

Today’s speech by both men really affected me. If guys like these were common, they’d be less appreciated, wouldn’t they?

There’s nothing quite like appreciating the rare and beautiful.

This image is a wedding dress created by a business called Uptight Clothing. It is one-of-a-kind. Like the best things in life.

Beautiful because it’s rare.


Question Everything You Ever Were Taught

……about life


relationship rules


who you are

how to dress….act…..think.

Because you know what? Those things you were taught came from adults who lived in a different world than you do now. They may have been gospel truth a generation or two ago, but they don’t serve you as the unique individual that you are.

We are not massed-produced albums of music. We have to write our own songs. 

And that pretty much pissed me off when I figured it out. It’s like holding onto the owner’s manual of your first car and expecting it to apply to your current one. The only thing they have in common are four wheels, for shit’s sake.

Me? Im not so unique. But I question everything because things stopped working. Maybe they never worked, but I’m just now seeing it.

For example:

I was raised to be a metaphorical nun, when in reality I’m more like a Joan Jett. Fuck that shit. The one thing we cannot change is the reality of who we are. But we can shed the old skin.

Religion…question it. There’s no one right answer. It’s a spiritual path. Truth is inside you.  Just find it. It’s your Kevlar vest.

Money….it’s a different society than when we were taught. Rules have changed. Be smart, use your left brain, and stick to your goals.

Relationships…..whatever works for you. Manage your expectations. Get on the same page. Think outside the box. Don’t let your parents, or your memory of them, live through you, especially when guilt is involved. Did I say, think outside the box? 

Now go, and be you. 

She Was Never Here

I’m so damned impatient for everything to come together.

My plans for the next few months are:

to schedule electric violin lessons with Bridgid Bibbens – she said YES !

    ~ enroll in motorcycle riding class

    ~ do my photo shoot that I talked about before.

Everything takes time. I get it. But the time isn’t right yet for any of this.

Because to shed the last vestige of my former life, I need to lose *a little more* weight. And it just takes fucking time. I’ve made a lot of progress!  Feel fantastic. Energized and sexy. And there’s still a way to go.

The second I pull up at the end of this journey, I’ll look hot in tight leather, rocking my electric violin, riding a bike, with a portfolio of badass photos.

Anyone who knows me, except one particular person who knows the real me, will be totally shocked at the transformation. Where did the good girl go?

The truth is, she was never here.

I’m not superficial. I’m not promoting the lie that skinny chicks are better than anyone else. The thing is, this is MY journey. It’s my necessity to live my life. I need to have a certain body type to be who I am, to dress my reality.

There’s so much at stake, so many things I cannot lose, that I’m obsessed with doing what I have to get there.

The ultimate prize is to move freely about without anonymity. My level of righteous anger right now is like a 10. 


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