The Impossibility of Turning Back

“Once you start to awaken, no one can ever
claim you again for the old patterns.
Now you realize how precious your time here is.

You are no longer willing to squander your essence on undertakings that do not nourish your true self;
your patience grows thin with tired talk and dead language.
You see through the rosters of expectation which promise you safety and the confirmation of your outer identity.

Now you are impatient for growth,
willing to put yourself in the way of change.
You want your work to become an expression of your gift.
You want your relationship to voyage beyond the pallid frontiers to where the danger of transformation dwells.

You want your God to be wild
and to call you to where your destiny awaits.”

~ John O’Donohue

So what’s the Northern Lights have to do with this? As much as I wish to, I’ve never seen them. And once seen, can’t be unseen. Proof that life has more gifts than we can ever receive in a lifetime. There will always be something to look forward to, once done, received, can’t be returned.

I’ve found my life so to be over the past 3 1/2 years. I hope I don’t appear callous or unloving ~ just being pragmatic ~ this phase of my life began the day my last parent passed. So – there’s only me left. What do you do, then? Move on, right?

The above quote accurately sums up the last 3 1/2 years for me. Above all, I’ve become discerning when it comes to where I focus my energy and thoughts, how I spend my time. When you consciously make these choices, you’re much more likely to find yourself in a place (physically, mentally, emotionally) that you love.

Everything changes, and it’s scary and wild. And you’ll be grateful to yourself and never turn back.

Day Off

Am savoring a rare day of freedom. My body is demanding laziness. I kinda feel like shit though – sinus headache, sneezing, and so tired no matter how much I sleep..

So I spent the morning browsing through Facebook pages I subscribe to, an indulgence I don’t normally get. These pages are the source of my inspiration, which sadly hasn’t gotten a lot of new ideas lately. Sometimes you gotta just say fuck the world and hide out in your house.

I guess that says a lot about my priorities. Instead of using this time to…..oh, I don’t know…..create a course to sell on my website, clean the house, practice, resume my erotic novel, a hundred other things, I’m on the internet looking at erotic photos. I love doing it though!

So there. 

…..or “Multi-Passioned?”

I’m not sure what to call our curious brain. I can only speak for myself, as I’m somewhat of an explorer of the inner universe, and hope my readers will find something useful that resonates with you and apply it to your own life experience.

I wish everyone walked around wearing t-shirts listing who they honestly are. I always feel like, in the sea of anonymous people we pass by every day, we would happily form a  connection to a lot more people, if we knew some little occult thing about each other. I’m not saying to be an open book ~ but hang out little signs revealing interesting things about ourselves in order to form rich connections.

Which isn’t the point of this post. I really wanted to write about how really odd it is I’ve always been obsessively interested in natural sciences like ecology, geology, meteorology, and especially astronomy. Yet….

… the same time I have an equal fascination with the occult (knowledge of the hidden, things that  can’t be measured, seen, quantified). Isn’t this paradoxical? Is it “seeing the big picture” taken to an extreme? In the natural universe it would be the equivalent of dark matter and dark energy.

We are weirdly fascinating. I love the exploration of those who are open to be explored.


I’ve been struggling to write a new post. The current state of government here in the US sometimes makes the things I think about and want to write of seem trivial and silly. But I also believe we shouldn’t stop doing whatever makes us feel awesome, and spread it far and wide!

So how much more mundane can I be in writing about underwear?

I read an interesting article recently about underwear. About how we chicks put a lot of time, energy, and moolah into looking cute for everyone else’s benefit ~ and there’s nothing wrong with that, I say ~ but our underwear is usually the last thing we think about when putting our hot and sexy selves out there. (Admittedly, sometimes even doing that takes some effort, only because I’m an introvert).

Some thoughts to consider about the subject ~

We people sometimes fake our way to self-worth. We can show the world how hot, successful, together we are, and we wear underwear that’s shit. No one’s gonna see it so it doesn’t matter. 

So what are we really saying? Our appearance is a facade. Or we actually don’t deserve nice things. Or we don’t care enough about ourselves to wear sexy and nice underwear. Or maybe we only value superficial things that are seen by others.

Just a trivial idea to consider that might not be all that mundane.

The Kraken

On a recent visit to Starbucks, I was wearing my super-sexy boots with black leggings. I don’t wear them that often, since they make me feel a little like Xena the Warrior Princess; too much energy and power for every day, and I’m not always in the mood for it. These are, you know, the over-the-knee type that, if I am to be honest, make me stare at women wearing them ~ and I’m totally straight sexually!

I’m waiting in line, and it starts again. Those hissing voices from the past rising up from the depths like the kraken that devour pirate ships.

Look at that fat piece of shit thinkin’ she’s hot (snorts of laughter).

🎶 Penny for penny, pound for pound, you get more fat from Len than any other kid around 🎶

You’re just a slut.

You can’t do that.

And the entire room erupted in laughter.

Of course, all of this happened in my head ~ replaying things that actually did happen in the past.

So why do we relive, replay, and recycle this trash in our heads? I’m not “fat” anymore. I’m a confident chick who has grown; anyone talks like that to me now would get kicked in the ass.

Have no idea. Probably a kind of tool for survival.

It stops us from being a better person, from growing out of old limits, living by standards set for us that no longer apply. They’re old and not real – mythical like the Kraken.

Acknowledge them, thank them, and send them on their way.

Fight Like a Bitch

I was scrolling through photos today of the women’s protests around the world. Last I heard, there were 627 of them. People all over the world catching the fire of indignation. I couldn’t help but cry.

I pray that today’s protests exonerate us and shows the world that the majority of us are not idiots ~ despite that the Orange Ugly American won ~ and I can’t blame them. The thousands upon thousands (millions, probably) who turned up at women’s marches here and around the world ~  it’s so freaking awesome.

I will protest and fight until wrong is righted. I will support women and allies, and the communities threatened by the new administration ~ LGBT, immigrants, women’s rights, human rights, the environment, people of color, Native Americans, people of all faiths.

It’s simple, really ~ our “president” completely lacks basic human decency. I did not watch the inauguration, and I still have not, and won’t.

I am filled with joy and gratitide to see the outpouring of righteous anger and compassion that sends a worldwide FUCK YOU to the new administration.

I’m gratified to see that the rest of the world sees through his shit. Sometimes things get so bad that you feel alone.

Anger is like burning fuel. It will either destroy its container, or can be harnessed as rocket fuel. After what happened today, I’m so motivated and optimistic that this isn’t the end, but the beginning of a coming together for a common, positive purpose.

It’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna suck, it’s gonna hurt. But we can do this.

It’s Novel

This was/is to be the cover of a novel I started writing 1 1/2 years ago. I posed for it, even though it’s fictional and not about me.

Then life brought me to a bumpy road shortly after, and I put my book away, where it sits on my hard drive. I intended it to be an erotic novella, but I think it wants to be something else. Erotic, but not a novella. It’s hard to keep the rise and fall of sexual tension going throughout an entire book. Yeah, even in my head.

Erotica lives in my head constantly. Actually, turns out it’s not that weird, only taboo. I’ve always been fascinated by things that aren’t as they seem, people and places that hide an entire underground existence, secret from the unenlightened.

Philosophy is like that, as is music, and science. And certainly sexuality.

I happen to be the personality type represented by less than 1% of the human population (I accept my oddness). I met a woman today who teaches erotic sexuality, and besides being awestruck by the fact that someone actually does that, she has the same personality type as me ~ so immediately she’s a kindred spirit.

Which brings me to my point ~ that I need to stop living in the normal world and wave my freak flag. And keep writing.

PS…I swear,  this is a line I just read in “The Winter Over”

At some point, potential had to be realized, or you simply ended where you began: a blank, empty, meaningless frame of white, waiting for effort to give it meaning.

Iden, Matthew (2017-02-01). The Winter Over (p. 58). Thomas & Mercer. Kindle Edition.


I’m certainly no diver, at least in the literal sense. But the earth never fails to excite me. There’s a place in Iceland called Silfra where one can dive between the North American and Eurasian continents. For real…….you can touch both continents at the same time.

Also, the water is the clearest on the planet ~ it’s cold glacial water filtered through porous lava.

Which has nothing to do with violin, but it does make me feel passionate.